Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Pig Or Cow

I cannot make decisions, like at all. The big ones, the small ones, the trivial ones...it's all more than I can handle. I'll often have people tell me "well, it's a simple choice, right" and then I punch them in the face (or rather, I would except I can't decide if I want to punch them or kick them in the shins, so I just sit quietly and think about dinosaurs. Or Batman.) I don't know what it is; probably some mild mental illness that makes me dwell on every possible outcome any choice could have. And I mean every outcome - decisions about which shirt to wear to work spiral into philosophical discussions inside my head. I have to pick a shirt at random each morning or I'd never get out the door, but then I sit on the train absolutely sure that everyone is staring at me because I chose the wrong shirt and I am now broadcasting my decision-based failures in 100% cotton, or a perhaps nice poly-cotton blend. This is also why 80% of my shirts are blue.

I have trouble with the small decisions, the trivial ones. I have to bring the same thing for lunch every day because I cannot decide on something else to eat. I used to have a friend who was equally bad at making decisions. We actually had a jar in her car of places to go/things to do when we hung out so we could just pick from that instead of having to decide something, which actually worked out really well. But it never stopped nagging me that surely I should be capable of deciding on where to eat dinner.

I also have trouble with the big decisions. I recently turned down an amazing job offer because I needed to make a decision immediately and the guy on the phone was talking really fast and pressuring me and I went back to thinking about dinosaurs again and before I knew it I had failed to accept the offer.

EVERY TIME. All attempts I make to make a decision end with me mumbling incoherently. It's embarrassing. I was engaged for one and a half years because I had to be really super sure I was making the right decision, and even after that my maid of honor (same lack of decisions friend mentioned above) wouldn't let me drive myself to the church on the wedding day because she knew I would end up just driving all day thinking over all my decisions. Then I'd run out of gas in like, Ohio or something, and my life would be entirely different.

So, that's why I've decided I need an official decision-maker. Someone who will just say "you're doing this". It's a plus for that person because you get to have power and feel all important, and it's a plus for me because I don't have to decide anything, and if your choices suck (like you pick a blue shirt on what is obviously red shirt day) I can blame you. But I probably won't. Also, you get this sweet badge:

Applications are currently being accepted in the comments section below. Applicants must be awesome, authoritative, and like dinosaurs and Batman. Applicants who are also Batman are preferred.

*Sigh* Maybe some day...


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